I feel bad

(LT): Why do I do the things I do?
For instance:
Why do I just get up in the middle of watching a show/movie with people I love (sisters, nieces and nephews) who I rarely spend time with and go off to my room? i try and slip away like they will not miss me and go to my room...

Why? My friend says I am a 'now you see 'em, now you don't' person, which I guess means that there are those times when i just want to 'peace out'. i love my nieces and nephews cuz they don't trip really....but it is beginning to bug me that I would rather go to my room and sleep when my time with my nieces and nephews is very limited. I suck...and I feel bad.

Speaking of feeling bad, when in the heck does God really release a person from guilt? I feel bad about things i can't control...like the way people think of me. I have this probably unhealthy need to make things right...a fine line between what is reconciliation and what is an obsession with wanting people to like me.

What other things do I feel bad about?
for instance....not blogging. So my niece calls me out for not blogging. Just two people have really blogged...the others of us have been slacking - like we have other things to do...not.

What else? I actually liked Sex and the City.

What else? Not working out with my trainer for a week.

What else? Not reading or praying like i should be.

What else? Flunking one of the students in a class I taught. He actually deserved it but I feel bad.

What else? Being out of shape...

What else? Not being a better friend to people.

There's more...but iwill stop before I start feeling bad about all the things I feel bad about.
I am 46. There's so much crap God has to keep working on in me --- what exactly does a transformed life look like? And how long does it take?

And I think that I could appreciate complete transformation without going through the pain of the process....how bout one of them "immediate" miracles? That would be excellent.

And lastly, I feel bad when I question God's ways...